Compressed. Tight. Squeezed. Damp. Dizzy.
That's what I woke up with this morning.
At first, I thought it was hunger.
But no.
Last night I had a heated argument with my
girlfriend.
Marriage.
We were talking about marriage.
Maybe I shouldn't have
started it. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up at all.
I don't know when — if ever — I'll be ready.
But for her, marriage has always been the
dream.
Once, I told her, I don't know… but I'll try. I'll work it out
somehow.
She still hesitated.
She often talks about her friends getting married.
Her neighbors. Strangers I've never
met.
Deep down, I know what she's saying without saying it:
I want to marry as
soon as possible.
But I can't.
I'm not in a place to even think about that.
And that makes me feel
guilty — because I can't make her dream come true.
It makes me feel like a failure.
The worst part?
She doesn't even notice how I feel — not until I spell it out in plain
words.
And the thing I hate about her, if I'm being honest, is how self-centered she
can be.
I want to be heard, too.
I want her to know my feelings.
I want this to
be mutual.
Right now, I hate everything.
I feel like shit.
Like I've been beaten until every
sense in my body has gone numb.█